I haven't been posting for a while because I figured everyone must be tired of my drama... plus, I haven't been being all that dramatic really.
BUT... I like to ask for advice here because it seems we all like P.M. Dawn to a large extent because they talk about things outside the normal boundries of small talk. That being said... I need advice on how to value myself more. I recently had a few things happen that made me realise I may not be doing the best I can at taking care of myself. First off, my mom recently lied straight to my face. I couldn't play the good son and defend her actions as I alway's have done. I had to face it. It's only one aspect of her personality that surfaces sometimes regarding money but this time I had to really admit to myself that I let her manipulate me way too much for someone as old as I am. Then my brother and sister-in-law took the stance that I may be borderline crazy because of some of the unconventional way's I see things... nothing more unusual than what I post here. I believe my sister-in-law said my thoughts were "schitzo-affective"... something like that. They took me for a trip with them and my nephew's.. I love them but I don't feel love. Then last night my friend who is transgender hung up on me because I refered something from before she had completed the change. She's been living as a woman for almost 20 years now and she was talking about auditioning for a local play and how she auditioned for both a male and a female role. Anyhow, I have never been able to see her as anything but a woman but have alway's felt that as long time friends I should acknowledge that aspect of her life and I said something inquiring as to her birth sex... anyway, she hung up on me. She's an amazing person but this has got me thinking about, her also, one of my only friends and how she has treated me in the past. I've has plenty of other "friends" in the past that have been sub-par in retrospect as far as treating me with respect. So, I'm a sad lonely person who has a history of embracing "friends" who I had to often fight for the dignity I deserved to be treated with. This probably stems from my up bringing and family whom have been through alot of hard times and whom I love. But yet this is where I'm at because they were forced to find a way to put themselves first to survive... and I never did that.
This is the question: Amongst this (revelation?) and garbage I just typed... How do I find away to strengthen myself after I've cornered myself into this put upon being. Seriously.
"If you could love you than who could hurt you? Seriously." I use to be able to be that person now it's like I've tried to be too many things for too many people and what's really bringing this all on is not being needed so much anymore.
Long post I know but I'm just looking for simple advice to be able to help me stop playing the victim/enabler? See myself with a little more self worth and not needing any validation... I use to be that kind of person.