Oz Spinoffs

Oz Infinitum
By Tom Fontana and Lee Tergesen

As the last eight episodes approach, viewers have been concerned about what will happen to the characters once Oz is no more.

We’re happy to announce the following spin-offs, which will premiere thoughout 2003, on the broadcast TV schedule:

Leave it to Beecher - The irascible Toby can’t help getting into trouble, despite his parents’ warnings.
Everybody Loves Reimondo - Sister Pete moves across the street from Doris Roberts and Peter Boyle. Hilarity ensues!

Welcome Back, Keller - Chris Keller becomes headmaster of an all boys’ prep school. Nudity ensues!

Robson - The former Nazi goes to work in Governor Devlin’s mansion. Robert Guillaume co-stars.

Three’s Humping Me - Cyril O’Reily pretends to have the mind of a three year old in order to share an apartment with two beautiful women. Suzanne Somers co-stars.

Dharma and Kareem - Dharma dumps Greg for a man filled with spiritual enlightenment. Little does she know, Said just likes to sleep with White women.

Will and Glynn - Will shares an apartment with the Warden in hopes of meeting men.

Vern and Shirley - Schillinger and Bellinger move to Milwaukee and live downstairs from a guy named Squiggy.

Morales in the Middle - The Latino gang leader is adopted by a dysfunctional WASP family and fits in immediately.

Hill’s Chair Blues - Augustus becomes a cop in a wheelchair. (Hey, it worked for Ironsides!)

After O*z - Busmalis, Rebadow and Father Mukada start a half-way house in Missouri. Harry Morgan co-stars.

The O’Reily Factor - In this new talk show, Ryan conspires to have political opponents assassinate each other.

McManus and Wife - As Corrections Commissioner, Tim and his new bride (Jennifer Garner) solve murder mysteries. She kicks ass, while he ponders the meaning of life.

The Mary Tyler Moore Show - Mary Richards returns to WJM, only to find out that her new boss is Omar White

All in the Infirmary - Doctor Gloria Nathan works alongside Archie Bunker’s racist grandson at an abortion clinic in Spanish Harlem.

Oz, Nevada - The prisoners gang rape Ben Affleck, in order to keep him from producing more TV shows.

CSI: Oz - After another rash of murders in Oswald, the authorities decide to open a permanent CSI office inside the prison.

Enemies - Each week, Dino Ortolani kills off another cast member of Friends.

The Odd Couple - Poet and the Pope star.

Of course, since HBO is our home, we wanted to make sure that there were plenty of shows on cable.

WWE Smack - Burr Redding referees as wrestlers do massive amounts of steroids and heroin, while making body contact.

The Weakest Dick - Hosted by Claire Howell

8 Rules For Raping My Cellmate - Peter Schibetta frets over the dating habits of his attractive, young cellmate.

Pecker - Jaz Hoyt wonders why it burns. Ted Danson co-stars.

Just Shank Me - An edgier George Segal brings his recently paroled, illegitimate son, Jia Kenmin, to work at his new porno magazine.

Fucked by an Angel - The Reverend Cloutier uses his Saintly powers to get laid.

Turd Watch - Miguel Alvarez smears excrement on the walls of public institutions. Premiere episode: “Inside the White House”.

Boston Pubic - Adebisi gives tips to students on how to wear a hat.

Eight Inches is Enough - Betty Buckley gives her husband a penile implant for Christmas. Dick Van Patten co-stars.

Jag-Off - Wangler, Pancamo and Groves compete for prizes.

Roz - Diane Wittlesey runs a women’s prison. Peri Gilpin and Joan Jett co-star.