I can't be myself and still be liked.

[aerotrooper]

I haven't been posting for a while because I figured everyone must be tired of my drama... plus, I haven't been being all that dramatic really.
BUT... I like to ask for advice here because it seems we all like P.M. Dawn to a large extent because they talk about things outside the normal boundries of small talk. That being said... I need advice on how to value myself more. I recently had a few things happen that made me realise I may not be doing the best I can at taking care of myself. First off, my mom recently lied straight to my face. I couldn't play the good son and defend her actions as I alway's have done. I had to face it. It's only one aspect of her personality that surfaces sometimes regarding money but this time I had to really admit to myself that I let her manipulate me way too much for someone as old as I am. Then my brother and sister-in-law took the stance that I may be borderline crazy because of some of the unconventional way's I see things... nothing more unusual than what I post here. I believe my sister-in-law said my thoughts were "schitzo-affective"... something like that. They took me for a trip with them and my nephew's.. I love them but I don't feel love. Then last night my friend who is transgender hung up on me because I refered something from before she had completed the change. She's been living as a woman for almost 20 years now and she was talking about auditioning for a local play and how she auditioned for both a male and a female role. Anyhow, I have never been able to see her as anything but a woman but have alway's felt that as long time friends I should acknowledge that aspect of her life and I said something inquiring as to her birth sex... anyway, she hung up on me. She's an amazing person but this has got me thinking about, her also, one of my only friends and how she has treated me in the past. I've has plenty of other "friends" in the past that have been sub-par in retrospect as far as treating me with respect. So, I'm a sad lonely person who has a history of embracing "friends" who I had to often fight for the dignity I deserved to be treated with. This probably stems from my up bringing and family whom have been through alot of hard times and whom I love. But yet this is where I'm at because they were forced to find a way to put themselves first to survive... and I never did that.
This is the question: Amongst this (revelation?) and garbage I just typed... How do I find away to strengthen myself after I've cornered myself into this put upon being. Seriously.

"If you could love you than who could hurt you? Seriously." I use to be able to be that person now it's like I've tried to be too many things for too many people and what's really bringing this all on is not being needed so much anymore.

Long post I know but I'm just looking for simple advice to be able to help me stop playing the victim/enabler? See myself with a little more self worth and not needing any validation... I use to be that kind of person.

[wendyful04]

I'm not sure how to answer your question but I do have some advice. I always have to remind myself that I can't get upset over the fact that, no matter how hard I may try, I am never going to change an apple into an orange. Furthermore, I can't be angry at an apple for not wanting to be an orange either.

Point being, the people you know will always be the way they are. Point blank. Some people you can trust for some things - others you can trust for other things. Nobody can be trusted for everything.

You cannot control what others say or do. What you can control is how you let them affect you (or not affect you). You seem like you know darn well that you are not being treated well enough and that you deserve better. Just don't waste your time expecting those 'apples' to become the 'oranges' you want them to be. Either take them or leave them.
Work on you instead.

[aerotrooper]

thanks

[Etherspin]

im yet to meet someone without at least one significant psychological issue or weakness by meet i mean in person and get to know them..

im probably included in that but being me.. i dont have the objectivity to now what my own issues are :)

[aerotrooper]

thanks again. :)

[Etherspin]

just reading through again .. it does depend on how sub-par you are talking! e.g. how your friend will respond once she has time to think about it.. and also it depends on what happened in the past, one best friend and one of my ex gfs were both wastes of time in retrospect , some weaknesses and neurosis are tolerable and forgiveable.. but you gotta be the judge :)

[aerotrooper]

Yeah, I'm hearing you. You are right. I have to be the judge at some point. I'm glad I asked because, I really needed advice, and you have no idea how helpful a little dose of common sense is for me. Thanks.

[humanity_Sin_egma]

Not to be glib in a response, but your post made me think of "Be Yourself" by Audioslave:
http://www.lyricsandsongs.com/song/499872.html
or even hurt not; not hurt ... easier said than done sometimes, but
"...in all things God works for the good..." Everyone's here for a reason.
Hang in there & press on. Your voice and presence is an important part of the world too. *hugs

[Mistress M]

Dude, you've prolly heard this before or whatever, but therapy with a good shrink you connect with will do wonders. And i don't say this bitchily -- I was in therapy the last two years, kinda the same issue. Had spent my life being mommy to too many people, taking care of other people and not myself. A lot of negative people in my life that I didn't know how to set boundaries with. For me, it was all about an abandonment issue, afraid if I set boundaries and stood up for myself people would leave me and I'd be alone. Couple that with a need for outside validation cause of low self-esteem, and you got a mess!

But therapy really changed my life. The trick is you gotta find a shrink you like and trust, so if you don't get a good vibe from the first one, keep looking. The state offers free clinics, so do schools, and even colleges in your area who offer Phd's in psychology often offer free clinics so their students can practice. And just cause someone's new doesn't mean they're not good. My shrink, I was her first patient, but she was AMAZING -- she would cry with me, constantly validate me, and always ask me that one question that just made my head feel like the clouds were parting. But if you are serious about fixing this, you gotta get help. People are fucking stubborn with this shit -- if you had a broken leg, you wouldn't just go out back and try to fix it yourself. There are reasons we have professionals for this. And if your family cares enough to "tell you how concerned they are" by calling you a schizo, then next time, why don't you suggest group therapy as a way they can show how much they care?

[aerotrooper]

The trick is you gotta find a shrink you like and trust, so if you don My shrink, I was her first patient, but she was AMAZING -- she would cry with me, constantly validate me, and always ask me that one question that just made my head feel like the clouds were parting

About 10 years ago I worked with an intern and she was the best therapist I've ever had. Lot's of crazy's (the irony). I'm seeing someone now that my psychiatrist suggested because she thinks I need to get away from the church (I think...she said something about refering me to this therapist because "this one" has worked with former clergy). Since I've first seen her she's gone away twice for a month vacation each time. Soon I'll see her again on bi-weekly basis. I'll test this out with her again.

Your so right... if I understood you correctly that if my family really wanted to help than they should offer to go to group with me. My psychiatrist grabbed my mom once from the lobby, because I had to have her give me a ride I was so sedated, she (psychiatrist) just laid into my mom about all the issues our family has had (Her mom killed herself, her daughter died of luekemia, her husband drank himself to death as did her father.) So she said that she needs to take these things into account...and she gave us a little group therapy then suggested we do it together. We did one session with the new therapist. I'd love to see my brother and sister-in-law get in on it... I know she was sexually abused by her family. She actually has a masters in psychology but she really would rather have someone visit me a couple times a week she has already recomended in stead of visits to therapist I'm seeing. Part of this christian organization she know's through her work (Catholic charities). I had someone from there come out and visit for a while... they weren't crazy evangelical's or anything they just were under the umbrella of people with masters in divinity rather than psychology.
So yeah, Not afraid of shrinks. Just not alot of luck.

My brother blamed the lady down the street for being on her death bed because she has never taken care of her health. I called him and let him know to never speak of someone who seems to be dying like that around me or to me again. A first for me. So maybe there is hope for me.
A long time friend of mine tried cornering me in some weird mis-construed story that would some how ruin my self image I guess because I was talking about some religious stuff.. Well I called her on it. She hung up on me and sent me an email threating my life via witchcraft.. (Wicca) So I don't know if standing my ground was a good idea. I'm agnostic one day and christian the next. My friend said Wicca was her way of connecting to something greater than herself and I alway's respected that. I hope that wasn't a mistake.
I could use a life as you can tell from this long post. MistressM you were my therepist just now. Thanks.

Honestly, thanks for responding to my post.

Thanks to everyone.

[Mistress M]

Hey, dude, anytime.

Oh, and just so you know - you can't threaten anyone's life through wicca. The only rule of wicca is "as you HARM NONE, do what you will"...if your friend's threatening to hurt someone than what she's practicing is dark magic which is the opposite of wicca. If she doesn't realize that, then tell her to message me here, and I'll explain it to her.

[aerotrooper]

O.K. Yeah, she said she was a wiccan... though seldom practices. But her email did encourage me to kill myself and that "prayer works both ways...I know you like to sleep how's the eternal kind sound?" something like that. She said other stuff more to the point even. So maybe wicca is her cover. She might just be crazy. I don't know anymore. Does that pentagram thing have indicate anything? She had a ring she wore years ago. Oh, whatever... come what may.

[humanity_Sin_egma]

The pentagram started out as a symbol of the divine feminine.
http://altreligion.about.com/library/glossary/symbols/bldefswiccasymbols.htm
Historically, many symbols and more have been reinterpreted falsely.
The Church warped many pagan symbols because the majority of the masses followed the cyclical nature of things in Paganism. DaVinci, heresy and Brown's controversial book explains some of it. Fascinating stuff.
Miss M., your advice was sound and right on. Good luck again aero.

[syxxpm]

pentagram was also supposed to ward off werewolves in mythology...

upside down cross or baphomet(pent with goat in it is satanic) nothing else...